My Town in Orange

As he looked out the the back window of the car the town was bathed in orange light. The rain was drumming on the roof and the wipers swished the water this way and that. The day had been a monumental fuck up from start to finish and Jake was glad that this beautiful orange hue was all that was left of Wednesday.

The town was quiet, the only people around were in the death throws of their working day. Jake thought they looked it too, hunched over, collars up like undertakers they were battling against the rain and wind pulling their umbrellas inside out.

How was he supposed to know that he should have stayed in bed? How was he supposed to know that the surprise he had organised for Isla was going to be way more surprising for him? Presumable she and Kenny knew that they were going to be fucking virtually as soon as he left for his job interview. presumably they knew because they had been doing the same thing over and over for god knows how long.

He glanced down at the bottle of Moet laying in the passenger seat. It was for them to celebrate. Unconsciously he slid his hand off the gear stick and onto the bottle. He ran his fingers over the label tracing the embossed lettering and along the cold glass. He winced a little as he felt the sticky liquid at the bottom, then looked at his fingers with smears of red across the tips.

At the lights he stopped, enjoying the rows of red lights through the centre of town standing proud and defiant against the falling night as the orange faded to black. Slowly almost involuntarily his mind considered the word he had heard so much today. His lips formed the word as he mouthed it, his memory evoked the first smile he had mustered since he found them.

As the lights let him continue he turned left towards the dock. The green light mirrored his turn signal, silently drowned out by the drivel on the local radio station.

Ahead he could see the darkness, the void of the harbour's water. He remembered going crabbing their as a child and wistfully pined for those simple days that in his memory last forever. Isla and Kenny had destroyed his past today. His memories were someone elses now, useless to him now that no part of his life was worth living any more.

At the top of the hill he stopped the car. He closed his eyes and visualised plunging everything into the void. His memories, his hopes, his dreams and everything other piece of worthless crap in his head. It was all broken now and there was no better place for them. His soulmate and his best friend had killed it all with their betrayal.

He pulled the handbrake and slowly but certainly the car started down the hill.

The car tipped over the edge and with a loud crash fell into the water. A smile stretched across his face as he watched the car bubble and sink down into the water. He managed the smallest laugh as he remembered her screaming, pleading with him not to push her into the boot. Woozy from the blows, pain and anger in her eyes as he forced her in next to the motionless body of Kenny. Eyes wide and still, unfocussed and empty. "I am sorry" she had screamed "I am sorry"

He turned and started to walk.

Perfect Paradise

Perfect Paradise

The grass was cool and refreshing on her feet but the wet grass tickled her toes and made her impatient for the soft warmth of the sand. She gazed, half squinting at the ocean as it shimmered and glistened in the pale morning sun. The sun danced on the gentle waves hypnotising her and slowing her walk to a snail’s pace. She reached the sand. This is where they had first met, this is where they had first kissed, this is where they had fallen in love. This place was everything to them.

Her gaze was broken by salty tears stinging her eyes. She stared, entranced by the strobing drops of shimmering, shining sunlight that danced on the fluorescent pale blue ocean. Slowly she walked across the sand, her footsteps becoming heavier as she tried to conceive how she was going to was going to make it without him. "First I was afraid..." she thought. She closed her eyes and dreamed that she might see him hurrying towards her, smiling and holding out his arms for her to run into. She felt salty bubbles form on her eye lashes and squeezed her eyes tight trying to hang on to the make believe.

She opened her eyes and looked at the water lapping at the beach . Hazily through her tears she watched them both walking with bare feet in the cool ocean, their hands locked in each others grasp, lovers,  never to let go. She smiled at the happiness she had felt that day and tried to pull back her tears. They were just engaged and so in love. She had promised him that she wouldn’t cry. It was so romantic, he had bought her here, to their beach, their place. He had picked the perfect evening. The beautiful sunset and not a soul around. Just the two of them on the vast deserted beach, their love spreading to every corner and every crevice of their perfect paradise.

His eyes were clear and pale and blue, sparkling with love, with love that she knew was only meant for her. Softly he took her hand and elegantly lowered down onto his knee. He said the words that she would never forget. "Will you marry me?"

She sobbed and felt her pain and anguish gushing from her mouth, eyes and nose. She wiped it on her sleeve and dropped to her knees

"They were not the only words I will never forget my love" She whispered to herself, remembering him returning from the doctors on that fateful, hateful afternoon.

So much she would never forget.

She reached the dune where he had made her the happiest woman in the world and wept uncontrollably as she set him free on the wind, wide across their beloved beach.  She watched him fly, exploring, and for one last time she shared their paradise together.

Little Trip to Heaven

Little Trip to Heaven

The guttural melancholy of Tom Waits drifted softly on the smoke across the bar. As the first burn of the whiskey lit up my throat warming my insides on its way to  my stomach I sat by the fire hoping that soon the cold would be driven from me. Another exhausting day was behind me and another hideous evening was looming in front of me to fight through. This was before I battled through the weather to my lonesome empty flat to recharge so I could face another day of grinding through my life. I lifted the heavy pint of stout to my lips and felt my eyes close as I took my first sip.

I turned and gazed through the rain streaked window to watch the thousands of people pushing through the blur of the rain, their faces hidden by the fuzzy light of the street lamps and car head lights making  luminous hexagonal patterns against the dark evening. I struggled to focus on them and struggled to comprehend the multitude of lives that were being lead outside the window. Hundreds of people struggling home to deal with their struggles. The other hundreds of people leaving their struggles to get home to their lives and their joy.

Some days I watched people and felt jealous of their lives. Today I  felt nothing but the burning of another sip of whiskey and the understated joy that Tom’s voice brings me on a rainy day. I opened my battered copy of Carrie and tutted in frustration as I had forgotten to mark my place when I got off the train this morning. Fumbling with the pages, flicking through in frustration, I dropped my bookmark under my chair. 

As I leant over to pick it up I noticed you.

I saw the flames in your eyes, your passion, your grace warmed I felt my body warm as the fire roared beside me. My smile pulled back and turned down, disappeared into the pages of my book, disappointed. It hit me like a train as i understood I understood your passion and flame was for another. You whispered a scream at his back fanning your flames and breaking your heart as he turned away and left without a word. I watched your eyes fade, flames turning to tears as you sat alone in the smoky old pub wistfully twirling your half empty wine glass and instinctively glancing towards the door. After him.

As I struggled to concentrate on the words in my book I imagined that somehow I could sidle on over to you and say hello. I felt my tie loosely tied around my open collar and imagined that I was looking cool and dishevelled like the double bass player during the encore of Tom Waits concert I went to last month.  Deep down I knew that I looked like a damp and aging insurance salesman who didn’t really understand his place in the world. 

I focused back on my book.

I watched you pull out a cigarette, light it and pull on it hard as though it was the only oxygen available to you. Your hazel brown eyes caught the light of the chandelier as you stared into the middle distance, your eyes focused through the clouds of smoke you were creating. As the smoke slid up my nostrils I begin to search for my own smokes, more frantically as I realised that I had I left them at work. ‘Maybe I could bum one from you?’ I thought before quickly losing the minuscule residue of courage I was able to summon as I dreamed of the man I wanted to be.

Suddenly your dark hair flicked to one side and you looked up and caught my eye. Surprise and fear erupted in me and I looked down to study my book and hide from what I might show you. The words on the page dared me to imagine a conversation with you and I dreamed about breaking your frown, and making your eyes catch fire the way they should.  My heart pounded as I felt your eyes settle on me and I pleaded with myself to pluck up the courage to look over at you once again before chastising myself for playing such cruel games. I tried to concentrate on the words and heard Tom suggesting that if you sat down with this old clown we might be able to make it.

After hiding in Carrie’s misery for an eternity I looked over at my drink and then after another eternity I slowly looked over to your table. My eyes grew heavy in my head and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach as I looked longingly at the empty space left where you were sitting. I scalded myself for my weakness and told myself that once again I had let the opportunity of at life or at least an experience slip through my fingers. I stared hopelessly at the smooth white foam that formed like broken flowers at the bottom of my glass, wondering if I would ever find the strength to lift my head and face the world.

Then something caught my eye and I looked across towards the bar and saw you walking towards me with a glass of wine and a pint of stout.

That was 40 years ago my love and your eyes still catch fire the way they should. You are more beautiful now than you were on the first rainy day we met. I want to thank you for giving me the strength to make myself a life and thank you, Tom, Rosie and Martha for being the life that we made…….  together.

 I love you.

Summer on a Winter's Day

Summer on a Winter’s Day

They slammed their doors at precisely the same time and walked out into the thin driving rain.  This rain had been falling over Brighton for what seemed like eternity.

“When do I get to get out of here?” they thought in unison looking up through furrowed brow as the rain stung their eyes.

James turned up his collar and looked back at the warmth of the house he had lived in all his life. turning back into the cold spiky darting rain he made his decision. Anything had to be better than being in there with them.

Anika pulled her coat around her and stepped out into the wind tunnel created by her street evey time the wind blew off the churning English Channel. She leant into the wind and walked towards the beach brooding on what she hoped would be the last argument... maybe... even... the last conversation she ever had to have with her parents.

He was still furious at being told once again that he must do something with his life, that he must make a decision and stop wasting his time in that stupid bloody band. His dad just didn’t seem to understand how much that stupid bloody band meant to him and how much thought, time and effort went into trying to make it work. He dug his hand into his pocket and slid out his phone.

Anika slid her slender finger across her phone, her deep blue nail covered her contacts and she scrolled through them. She wondered what she could do? Kate was on holiday and she got the distinct impression that her other friends thought all this stuff with her mum and her mum’s new bloke was just histrionics or some such thing. She sniffed back a tear as she pondered her situation and realised both how alone she felt and how she had no idea in which direction to turn.

James stared at his phone, he just couldn’t be doing with any of the band today, all they wanted to do was dream of stardom and fantasise about what they were going to do when it happened. His dad was right about one thing, they were shit, but James believed that if he kept working, kept playing and kept writing he might one day be able to drag those guys along far enough for them all to make a living. Everyone had to start somewhere, Dave Grohl had said it,  everyone had to suck in their basement or garage and keep sucking until they didn’t suck any more. and Dave was right, and Dave was in Nirvana for fucks sake. The fact was that sucking in a band in his mate’s basement was the best feeling James had in his life and the only thing that made getting out of bed worthwhile. 

‘Why did I even bother getting up this morning?’ Anika scolded herself; she knew that there was no other way that this day could have ended up. The guy was a creep, who was he to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. She was old enough to make her own decisions and old enough to decide if she should go to London clubbing with her friends. What a control freak! He had his mother in his clutches so much that she had lost the wild and mouthy exuberance that Anika so admired , she had become withdrawn, mousey and subservient. How the fuck was she supposed to respect that? Anika often wondered who she hated more, him for taking her mother away or her mum for letting it happen.

“Fucking parents!” flashed up on both their facebook feeds at the same time.

James reached the end of his street and had to decide which way to go, left into town to look round the music shops in the North Laines dreaming of guitars he couldn't buy, or right down to the beach to watch the horizon and dream of the places he couldn't go. The weather seemed to be taking a turn for the worse so he took a left towards the shelter of town.

Anika reached the seafront and looked out at the clouds rolling in from the dirty choppy mess that was the English Channel in winter. ‘Into town’ she thought as she began to walk along the seafront pressing herself as close as she could to the cafes that sat motionless, catatonic and dark waiting for the sunshine of spring to bring them and the  rest of the city back to life. Ducking up a side street she decided the ancient old alley ways that cut through this part of town would offer her the most protection and lead her to her favourite part of town.

James checked his phone again and flicked onto Facebook to see if anyone had commented, to see if anyone was going to save him from his fate, save him from the constant monotonous rain and the sheer drudgery of winter in a summer town.

Someone like from Norman Fletcher, a guy he had known at school but really had very little to do with. This was not going to be an almighty change in his life but then in his experience Facebook was rarely the force for good that he always dreamed it could be. He put his head down and walked on through the rain, the icy needles of the fine rain bombarding his head and spiking his cold sensitive ears. He cursed himself for not grabbing a hat when he had walked out, his soul began to drag as he found himself on the main Brighton shopping strip of Western Road. This mile or so of road was home to a range of middle of the road, lowest common denominator chain shops. The same chain shops that could be found in every high street up and down the country. Western road led to the seventies nightmare of Churchill Square. A shopping centre so dire that no matter what they did to it and how they modernised it, it would never be able to throw off its concrete soul or rid itself of its lurid neon heart. This place had been a constant in his life and represented everything that was wrong with the world and everything he and his band wanted to smash.

Anika slid into the alley way and leaning against the south wall found enough shelter to check her phone and Facebook. She smiled at the two notifications and dreamed for a moment that they would lead to something better, something more than the endless rain and endless boredom of her life. The notifications were both from Kate.  One for her ‘like’ and one for a comment. She found it odd that people liked miserable or horrific comments posted on Facebook. Somehow ‘like’ just didn’t seem to be an appropriate reaction to bad news. Perhaps this is the changing face of language that Mr Vine at school was always banging on about. He seemed to find what the youth were up to  fascinating and was always talking about how technology was changing the world. She guessed that he was right but always thought that if it wasn't technology it was something else. The world changed if we like it or not, it really doesn't care about us. He was so enthusiastic about it that it always seemed a shame to bring him down by telling him just how shit things really were. The constant bombardment of her life by insipid crap like Britain’s got talent or the endless reality game shows that manufactured drama out of nothing. The music, controlled by lobotomised record companies that recycled the same made to measure, lowest common denominator crap time after time. She longed for the golden era of her indie hero’s from Joy Division, through The Smiths and The Stone Roses, the Artic Monkeys and The Courteeners. These were real people making real music.

 Anika's fingers danced over her phone and opened her post. She read Kate’s comment “Not again!!…sorry hun…..love ya”. She appreciated the thought but that wasn’t really going to help her at this time.

James grumbled as he traversed the monstrosity of Churchill Square head bowed against the world except for a fleeting glance taking in the  Street and traffic lights shining bright against the gloom, light reflected and refracted by the icy water pelting him and his world. He felt he was in that impressionist painting of Paris, the painting swirling through his brain as he searched for the artists name. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he struggled to slide his hand into the wet jean pocket. As he pulled it out he found a Facebook notification and slid his stiff frozen thumbs over the screen to reveal it. ‘Not again…..sorry hun……love ya.’ ‘That’s lovely Kate’ he thought but that isn’t really going to help me now. He tucked his phone back in his pocket and peered out into the rain considering how the road shone with a desolate and deserted beauty as the rain drops bounced high.

 ‘The rain falls hard on a humdrum town’ he sung as he continued down North Street. His phone buzzed again.

Anika sheltered from the rain under a jewellers awning and flicked her Facebook feed to try and find something to restore her faith in humanity. Amongst the selfies and selfish musings of social media she noticed Kate’s comment once again. This time though it was a little different, She stopped the feed with her thumb and scrolled back up to find the same ‘fucking parents’ quote that she had posted. ‘1 hour ago’ it read underneath, she was bewildered as she looked at the name above the post; ‘James Manifold.’

She remembered that Kate had mentioned him before; he was in some band or other. She considered a while and then slid her thumb over the keyboard to comment on his post.

‘You too huh? Can’t stand being in that house any longer.’

She smiled and slid her phone back into her pocket.

 James’ phone buzzed and beeped and he once again retrieved it from his pocket to check the message.  

You too huh? Can’t stand being in that house any longer.’

He looked down at his rain covered screen and squinted to see who had left him this comment.

‘Anika Stones (friends with Kate Blacksley)’ it read. He remembered vaguely that Kate had mentioned a friend with a weird foreign name. Hesitantly he replied and hovered his thumb over the send button. Unsure of what was happening here he made his way down North Street and hit send.

‘They just never let up, so sick of ‘living under their roof.’

Anika made her way down the narrow laneway towards North Street. Her phone buzzed again and she quickly dragged it out of her pocket. Another notification: this time from James Manifold. She read his comment and smiled to herself, happy that someone else was sharing her shitty day. This was a boy who clearly understood her. As she was lost in the possibilities of her Facebook conversation she bumped into an old lady. The lady tutted and Anika quietly mewed her apologies distracted by considering what she could write next.

‘Mine just won’t let me doing anything! They don’t trust the decisions I make’

James fished his phone out again and smiled as he read Anika’s new comment.

He allowed himself a little laugh to himself as he sent back the comment hoping to hit the mark with a slightly flirtatious comment and hoping she would reciprocate.

‘Parents eh? They just can’t let go. You can’t choose your family…….but friends???

 He began to wonder who this girl was, where did she live? He looked with confusion at her profile picture. What was that? A bear? A monkey? He clicked on it and as it enlarged it he recognised it from somewhere but as much as he tried he couldn’t remember where. She lived in Brighton and went to Brighton and Hove High school. Before he could explore her profile any further he walked right into someone. He turned and muttered his apologies in the vague direction of the wet and matted blonde ringlets belonging to a girl who hardly even looked up from her phone.

‘Some people!’ they both thought at once.

 ‘What about friends of friends? I think Kate should have introduced us, with our similar parent problems ;)’

She typed hoping the winky face wasn’t too much. She smiled to herself as the knot in her stomach began to loosen. She brushed her sodden ringlets away from her face and lifted her head to face the world as an equal. Realising that the rain had eased and that her face was not stinging as much as it was. Looking up she saw the clouds had changed from the darkest black to a light grey, some of them even white. Then she saw a guy in the distance, the guy that just bumped into her while he was on his phone? 'How rude' she thought as she headed along the street some distance behind him. He was back on his phone again and she watched as he swiped the screen and gently jiggled his shoulders with silent happiness. She checked her purse and found she had enough for a hot chocolate. It would be nice to get into the warm and dry off a bit. Maybe today wasn’t going to be so bad after all. Her phone vibrated again.

‘She certainly should have, I will be speaking to her about that’

James could not supress a little smile as he pressed send and slid his phone back into his pocket. He really would have to speak to Kate when she got back and ask her to set up a meet with this girl he was currently sharing a cyber-moment with. Maybe this wasn’t just a cyber-moment, maybe today wasn’t going to be so bad after all, maybe life wasn’t so bad after all. He slid back his wet hoodie and enjoyed feeling of the soothing cool dry air on his cheeks. He could really use a coffee and stopped to check his wallet. As he leant against the wall he looked back along the street and saw the girl he bumped into on the corner. She was about his age and as soaking wet as he was. She slowly moved closer and he couldn’t help but watch her out of the corner of his eye. He noticed how beautiful she was even with her blonde curly hair matted and stuck to her cheek. She was smiling at her phone, her warmth lighting up the grey wet air around her. As she drew nearer he could see her ice blue eyes sparkling with the water on the road surface as sun forced its way through a crack in the cloud.

‘What has he stopped for?’ she wondered as she finished off her comment. Maybe he is going to get me again and finish me off this time. She looked up at him catching his eye and making him look down at his wallet nervously. ‘Was he looking at me?’ she wondered. She scowled a little at him and then felt disappointed in herself for thinking that actually he was quite cute. She hit send on her phone.

She heard his phone vibrate and watched in silence and motionless shock trying not to let her surprise register on her face. This was weird. She watched his hand slide into his pocket and retrieve his phone and involuntarily look up catching her eyy. All of a sudden all she could see was his warm, soft brown eyes, the rest of the world was a blur. The rain soaked streets suddenly seemed to drift out of focus like a painting of Monet’s garden twisting and spinning as she walked past lost in this perfect stranger.

His phone vibrated, he smiled involuntarily as he slid his hand into his pocket. He drifted into confusion and indecision as he caught those beautiful blue eyes rising up to his to take his breath away. Suddenly there was nothing in the world except him and them. No rain, no streets, no parents, just him, this beautiful stranger and the infinite possibilities that lay in front of them. He watched her walk by him the confusion swirling round him, surrounding him, his legs feeling weak as he fell gently back against the wall. Instinct took over.

‘Anika?’ he weakly called after her. She could not hear him over the wind and cars that rattled through the old street.

He caught himself and smiled at his ridiculous notion. That wouldn’t be her, couldn’t be her. That would be weird, too weird. This kind of stuff just doesn’t happen in real life. He went back to checking his wallet, enough cash for a coffee. He could dry off a little and get his head back together ready for the rest of the day.

Anika continued walking and laughing at the crazy coincidence she had just been part of. She tried to convince herself that nothing had happened but she could not deny the feelings running though her body and soul. ‘That couldn’t be him!’ She tried in vain to tell herself. ‘It would just be too weird.’ She looked back and saw him still checking his wallet. She looked back at her phone and her heart sank a little as there was no notification. ‘Was their conversation over?’ She checked the post again and pushed open the door of the café.

Suddenly he phone beeped again.

"this is going to sound weird if the answer is no but is that you?"

She smiled and turned around.....